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This picture sums up my trip to Arizona...c'est la vie?! Arrived back in the land of humidity around 9 pm last night...it was a lonnnng *ride* home, so long in fact, that I almost kissed the ground as soon as I jumped out of the car! Thankfully, I had a wonderful welcoming committee ready to dole out hugs as soon as I got there.

The details of the *ride* there and back are quite inconsequential, but the retreat was a great experience. The silence was a favorite part of mine...it really does make you realize that 99% of the time, there really isn't anything that is worthwhile to say! Of course, the first place I had the unfortunate "honor" to end up at was Wal-mart...it was as if someone put a large soup pot over my head and hit it with a metal spoon...

Going on Retreat...

Saturday, I'll be hitting the road for Phoenix AZ for a retreat...and *vacationing* along the way. It's no surprise to me how it all fell in place...but it's notable enough to mention. Most know my obsession with the desert, Arizona more precisely...and how I've been wanting to "run away" as I call it, to the desert.


On Sunday, Tim says..."You should go on a retreat". We looked them up, and they were either NOW...or much later, and all very far away. The next day, I wasn't going to stop at the Filling Station for coffee...but as I got nearer to Cherry St. my hands turned the steering wheel to the north and there I was! Of all people, I run into my godmother and she says, "Want to go on retreat with me in Arizona?!" If a sign could jump up and smack me on the forehead and say, "Here I am, pay attention!"...it was this one.


It happened so fast, it's definitely Madeleine style, don't ya think?! The Peanut does NOT mess around. So, off to the desert I go for an Ignatian retreat...and, after the normal scenic penance which I always must endure to pass into the arid lands of cacti and sage...in Arizona I will be.

I was in a used clothing store in Lawrence a few days back and heard a few girls discussing a road trip and one was complaining about how horrible it is to drive through the desert. "If I have to see one more mile of sand, I'm gonna die!!!" she whined. P'shaw! Raspberries to her, the desert is dry, quiet, lacks strip malls and refuses to sustain or entertain modern human requirements...what's not to love?!


Although I am happy to be going to Arizona, I would trade never seeing the desert again in my life to be holding my sweet Peanut right now. But alas, that's not the plan...

See you in a week.

Peanut's Cemetery

Here lies our Precious Peanut...even though it looks like it says "Mr. Walter". We are going to order her actual headstone this week and are debating on what to have inscribed on it, and which kind to get. Seems like a trivial thing to think about in light of the whole situation, but it is what it is, I guess.

At least the cemetery has a lot of nice trees and shrubs...this one had little white flowers that I just noticed look like tiny babies in footed pajamas! See it? How appropriate since it grows in the children's section of the cemetery.

Tomorrow is our 8 month wedding anniversary...when you've only been married as long as we have, you still go by months! I love you Timmy Bear. And the oddest part...Madeleine's due date isn't even until July...and she's already been born, lived and gone home already...it still baffles me at times.

Happy Birthday Sadie

For those of you not fortunate enough to join Tim and I this afternoon as we walk about in the Plaza and humiliate ourselves in the presence of our bedazzled birthday girl, Sadie...here's a shot of her in her "birthday suit"!

Sadie is 7 years old today...I suppose that's around 50 in dog years. Even though her muzzle is white and her countenance subdued...there's a sweet and bright-eyed puppy inside of her clawing to get out! I actually submitted this photo to cuteoverload.com today...we'll see if she makes the cut!

Sadie + beaded frilly collar = WOOHOO!

What does all of this have to do with Madeleine? Not too much...other than we're obeying the orders we received to be happy for her and celebrate. Life is going on, and even though our sweet Madeleine left us at this hour, 3 weeks ago...there's still a million things to smile about.

Peanuts EVERYWHERE!

Everywhere I turn...peanuts!

This Peanut showed up in a bag of little round cookies that my journal group friends gave to us...these two were fused. Today, I have been cleaning my studio...tossing out junk and organizing piles of magazine images that I've torn out to use in collages. I found a piece of a magazine that said, in large letters..."to be your Peanut".

Yesterday at a thrift store, I bought a "Candy Land" game to make art out of...and have never played the game. It has a character called "Gramma Nut"...and a Peanut patch. Life isn't a bowl of cherries, it's a pile of Peanuts...

Pretty Purple Peanut Plate

What a Peanut! The legume obsession continues...
A couple of us went to the Ceramic Cafe to paint items for fun, and naturally...I had to find a good surface to paint a peanut on...flat, rectangular...perfect! I think I sat there for about 3 hours...I always get my money's worth out of the $7.50 paint time fee.

Not wanting this to be another "Born - Died" item...I decided to just write her name, proclaim how pretty she is...and the date painted (and artist of course!) Maybe it's a sushi plate? Maybe I'll put a wire thingy on it and hang it on the wall? Either way, I love making Peanut art. Just wait until I post pics of my front porch! We got a little crazy with the sidewalk chalk last weekend. :)

Missing Miss Madeleine

*Yawwwwn....*

It seems like a long time since Peanut left...and yet it's only been 16 days. There's been one party and event after another with not much quiet time to actually sit and think about things. Since I have a tendency to actually sit down and think TOO much...it's a good thing that I have this big house that needs a lot of help, and someone that needs me to cook for him and wash his kilts...and that misses Peanut too and needs me just as much as I need him. Plus, I've got a million other projects I've got my head into...rosaries, yard work, art ideas, room renovations...continuing on the baby's room so it will be READY for when the next comes.

I took some time this afternoon to go back through pictures of Madeleine and find a few that I never posted...at least I think I never posted them?! Forgive me if you've seen these before. :) The top picture is a classic Peanut yawn...she always made me yawn if I saw one! And this bottom picture...for some reason, she really looks like my dad to me...I think it's the eye and eyebrow area...and maybe the lack of hair adds to that too! Hee hee...love you dad, love you Peanut!

Another Video...

On this, the two week anniversary of Peanut going to heaven...I wanted to share another short video with you. The poor quality is due to shooting in low light. Her eyes weren't ready for the glaring fluorescents since she was pre-32 weeks at this time.

You can hear the faint murmurings of nurses in the background, as well as her oxygenation monitor going off. The darkness by her mouth is actually a pacifier, which she sucks on then stops to look around a bit. While it was "not advised" to stroke a preemie...I simply could NOT resist those sweet, soft cheeks! She didn't seem to mind either. It was her back and feet that she didn't like stroked...it tickles...she got that from her momma. :)

Enjoy! We love you Peanut!

Peanut in action

This short little video makes it difficult for me to not regret taking more videos of Madeleine! If only I had video of a diaper change...or of a wrestling match with Mr. Tubersons! The 3 tiny clips that I do have of her just show that her progress was so ensuring, I didn't feel I would need video to remember her by. And I still don't, really. But, here is one where she was just swaddled for tummy time and is nomming on a pacifier. Pretty Peanut!

St. Madeleine - hard at work!

As if we didn't know that Peanut is a saint in heaven...as if we didn't know that she was always in a hurry to get things done! She showed up quickly after we got married...she entered into the world quickly, and even though we were given a good 6 weeks to love her and see her flourish...she left the world quickly. She also had a strong grip and when her hand found you, she never let go! She was (and is...) a force to be reckoned with...after all, they told me at the hospital only a few hours after she was born that she was "a willful child, and wanted what she wanted...when she wanted it!"

Ready for Peanut's first miracle?

Friday, the day we buried Peanut, I got the information in the mail on how to donate the hundreds of bottles of breast milk that I had to a milk bank. They screen you, dig up your medical records, send someone out to take blood...then you pack it in dry ice, ship it off to Texas, or Colorado...and God willing the FedEx truck doesn't break down somewhere along the way...the milk goes to a baby who's mother can't make milk for some reason. Sounded like a lot of work, but I was happy to do it.

Saturday, two of our close friends got married and of course we went to their wedding...wouldn't miss it for the world. I mentioned to Tim that I would wait and call the milk bank on Monday. Right after the wedding, I'm standing under a tree outside of church watching everyone and a woman from the parish, a fellow new mom, that I know but have never really talked to comes up to me and says that she has been praying to our little St. Madeleine for help...that her own milk hadn't come in very well and her baby, who was born 4 weeks premature, was allergic to cow's milk, hated his baby formula and was having a really hard time getting nourishment. What?! :O

Now how beautiful is that?! How perfect! There's no way that is coincidental, it's just too...WEIRD...for a lack of a better word! So they came over that day and we packed two giant coolers of baby food up for their little Punkin! Later that night, he had sucked down 3 bottles, his biggest meal...and he was tolerating it just fine. He's a cute little peanut, and it gives me indescribable joy to know that Madeleine and I can help him and his loving family out...she picked him and arranged this, I'm dead certain. Madeleine knew that her mommy was very sad that all that milk she had made for her wasn't ever going to reach her lips, and every time she saw it in the freezer, it poured salt on the wound.

I think that Madeleine should be the patron saint of premature babies! Even though I think in addition to the patron saint of mothers, St. Gerard is already doing the job! And an added hint of goose-bump giving info...the baby who is getting Madeleine's milk...his name is Gerard.

Oh St. Madeleine..., Peanut of Power...pray for us!
And, uh...while you're quickly arranging needed things...how about a 2nd floor bathroom for mommy, huh?!!! :D